menjadi kismis sebelum anggur

one thing i realize bout myself after this practicum is:i'm an egomaniac.
i admit it n i want to change.for them..i mean the student.
u know i always have my own stand in every thing i do.i always justified things i do so that people wont have chance to questioning what am i doing.that was horrible right?i mean those mind,those act,those attitude.people with those stubborness wont change n stuck wit their own world.what a delusional mind i had.
yeah,we should stand on our principe but in this profession,no matter what as long as its not breaking Allah n rasul's law its need to be done.i cant give any excuses.
you know sometimes i drown in my own concept n finding till i cant accept any criticsm or even rejection.after this,i swear to myself..i'm not going to be stubborn n i will accept any opinion n try to adapt it in my teaching method.then,i hope i can be better n better.i want to be a good teacher.the hardworking type.teaching is also "ibadah" if i'm not dedicated on doing these..i wont get any "pahala" at all...

p/s:nyh saham akhirat.i'll try to maintain these spirit.InsyaAllah

praktikum

praktikum ny korg taw x mendenye?karang tataw plak..
baek serba sedikit ak gtaw yg praktikum nyh latihan mengajar di skolah.
sbb ak da 3rd year...maka ak da nula berpraktikum....
ko ada?tade kan....

baek..aku dipostingkan...eh,silap..blom posting...ak kne praktikum kt sk (lktp) kechau 1,lipis.(jgn tiru gaya penulisan ak yg mmg ckup mmbengangkan chekgu2 BM)
LKTP 2 sama maksud dgn felda taw!ak nyh bdk felda...dpt pon skolah felda..okey la 2!

lots of thing ak nk cte..serious.1st week ak demam....malam je demam trok..gy skolah even demam tp gagahkan gak...dgn batok2...mg hell rse...khamis mlm jumaat laa demam pling trok...n serious mse 2 i wish someone by my side...anak emak mcm ak ble demam mcm nyh mmg merengek laa...tp kalo kt ostel nk merengek cane?kt kwn?kt pkwe?...mse 2 mg rse,kalo ad somebody someone bley gak nk ngadu2...tp...hmm...sedey yg teramat sgt mse sakit 2...no one nk anta gy spital ke klinik ke...the day before my fever getting worse atiem did ask me to go to clinic...she offer her help..tp mse 2 egt bley elok stkt telan actifast..last2 melarat plak...

i thought i can count on the closest fren of mine.in the end...atiem gak yg bley ak count on.kn atiem 2 org laen..tp the closest org laen.neway babe,sayang ko.sangat2.ko slalu ada tyme ak perlukan.mybe sbb we both dont have the other half kan.(ayat mintak penyepak)

2nd week everything went well...anak2 murid sume best...n ak serious tataw nk bersikap mcm mne.i just act like me.n glad bdk2 tak bnci dan tak laa takot sgt...pling penting dorg dapat blaja...ada bberapa nama yg ak akn kenang..bdk darjah 2 nama Ally...bdk nyh nakal gle...bkn nakal...ngade2..i was like...nak kepit je bdk nyh..hyper sgt!
yg klako ada laa satu ari tu...ak tolong bacakan ayat yg perlu dia salin
ayat 2 mcm nyh:

chekgu aminah :pantainya cantik
Ally :cantik tu chekgu la.(smbl muka rilex pandang buku tulis n menulis)

i was like...budak nyh....hahaha

then ak ada beberapa org student yg ak ske.sume ak ske..tp ak baek sket...which are syakir haikal n faisal.syakir nyh mke sebijik mcm plakon cte laskar pelangi taw..yg bwk watak lintang 2!taw je laa ak mg heart cte 2 sgt2...faisal nyh pon mke lebey krng gak...dye nyh hebat r gak dlm drjh 4 2...dye laa bdk handball(pemaen tengah okey!),dye laa pelari pecut,dye laa bercerita agama,dye laa pengawas..kre bakal2 student target UPSR laa...n the thing is dye x skema.hahah

lg...ada hazim...okey..dye x bpe sht sgt...i mean secara kognitif...dye kdg2 akan tepuk tgn n tawaf klas scare tbe2...mngikut kte guru n a lil bit blur n black mind.i cant read him.i mean ble kte look in his eyes..its totally nothing.ble kte terangkan pon dye mcm x fhm...pity this boy...kte chekgu,dye sptotnye msok klas pemulihan khas...tp mak ayah dye tanak gy mtk pengesahan doc pasal mslh dye...mybe ashamed...mybe malu org egt anak dye weng ke...bdk 2 x weng,the thing is dye nye kognitif je mybe blom fully develop or mybe ad slek sket..bnde 2 bley diubat..insyaAllah..dgn terapi..dgn cara atau method ngaaj yg btol..yg guru pemulihan khas know better...
tp so far skali je dye penah tepuk tgn tbe2 n tawaf sbb lps kejadian 2 ak plih tok letak dye depan2 ak..senang nk tgok..pas2 ak wat aktiviti mcm menari,maen music box n so on...so dye okey da laa

then ada afnan yg cute.siyes.tp dye nyh x reti mnulis n bce dgn baek lg n atention deficit.mmg x bley dok diam lngsung okey!ada je nk ckp,usik...haish..slalu kne starlite kt ak..

third week mg week yg hectic..penat...dgn latihan bola jaring...dgn bdk2 yg ttbe bwat hal...maen2,lmbt masok klas smpai nk nagaja pon x smpt n observe guru pembimbing yg bwat aku down...mybe method ak x kne tp ad kesinambungan n penilaian aku mse 2 rendah...ak wat mcm2 aktiviti,try mcm2 kaedah skali terkena hari yg kaedah ak looks boring sbb mne ak nk taw boring...frust yg teramat sgt pd dri sendri.aku blik mkn,tydo..pas2 bagun menangis,n menangis n menangis...siyes n again no one there to hear me..n again atiem laa yg mendengar...mendengar dlm erti kte sbnr..bkn pretend like listen or listen sipi2,x amek port.

tp the next day i wake up wit determination n semangat gle nk baiki mne yg kurang.mmg ak da x aja secara konsep.aku aja fully wat aktiviti tp mngajar at the same tyme.rupenye..ble da sedey2...ad gak berita gembira...ehem...enche yg sye agak suke laa jgk menelefon sye...i was like:OMG...I do like him.tp ak sentiasa berdoa:kalau bukan utk aku,tutuplah hati aku.sbb ak x berminat nk kenal lebey baek,deep n ad relation dgn org yg in the end bkn dgn ak.its a waste.ak penah syg org sgt2.n ak tanak lg ad rse mcm 2.sbb 2 ak tanak bg ruang utk dri sndri baek sgt dgn org..ty terjatuh laa plak..ak gak yg ssh.time kaseh kpd enche yg buat ak serik 2 ye..

owh...enche yg bwat sye serik 2 call me twice spnjg praktikum nyh.i was like:ko sehat ke x nyh?why so suddenly.motif x dpt dikenalpasti.kalo cte kt rafael abues,kompem dye da provok:ko suke sbnrnye dye kol kan myn.sigh.bdk 2 slalu je taw ap ak rse.scanner hebat gle.
n ak sbnrnye tataw ak rse ble dye kol.ceh,tipu je tataw.okey,ak taw ap ak rse tp i wont say a thing...cume..the day he call...b4 he call i am thinking;mmg ad org yg mneyentuh hati kte..bwat kte ske..but we know it well..ad sorg je yg kte dream of..i mean to live our life with(pergh).skali b4 i go 2 sleep he call..i was like...hmm
again,ak mintak dan doa kalo org tu bukan utk aku.tutuplah hati aku dr suka n berangan tok ad life dgn org 2.sbb ak x ske false hope.aku cuma nak dia sahaja selepas DIA yg jdik pemilik hati aku.life nowadays bkn mcm dlu...bnyk godaan,bnyk cubaan..i'm not strong..the way to prevent it is to avoid anything relate n bring to it.

praktikum siyes sgt mencabar.emosi,mental,fizikal pon!bnyk sgt pengalaman yg ak dapat..to build up n teach student aint easy.easier said than done.i mean theory2 dlm buku2 yg blaja mse kt IPG not really apllicable...siyes.teori omputih 2 persepsi dorg je...manusia nyh bkn tikus ke hanjing ke...manusia nyh laen..setiap sorg berbeza..nk handle pon berbeza..

jdik chekgu nyh bkn senang.sgt penat.tp penat2 pon itulah tanggungjawab.tanggung kt dunia jawab kt akhirat.sabar ikhlas 2 sgt penting.aku doa aku dpt gain this thing.amal aku tak ckup..ak harap keje mngajar nyh bley jdik amal aku.mudah-mudahan..mintak pada tuhan.


p/s:akan diupdate lg...laporan pnoh praktikum..huhu..lps abes praktikum
p/s:sedey nk tggl skolah...